Until she gave birth, Megan Fairchild always felt like the master of her own body. "I can get my body to do anything," the New York City Ballet principal tells Refinery29. "Mind over matter." But six months ago, when Fairchild went into labor with her first child, Tullie, and learned that she would need a C-section, she had no choice but to let go of the familiar feelings of control, preparation, and perfectionism that had allowed her to excel in her career. "Nothing could prepare me for that," she says.
Having a C-section was humbling and frustrating, Fairchild says. "Afterwards I was like, Did I do all the right things? How come it happened to me that way? How come it happens easier for other people? " she recalls. Looking back, Fairchild says she was surprised by the amount of internalized C-section stigma she felt about her own experience. "I was fine with my story, but until I told it to someone else, I never realized how judged I was feeling," she says. This is one reason why she’s been so open on social media about her C-section and recovering from diastasis recti, a condition that causes the abdominal muscles to separate during pregnancy.
After "a lot of shuffling around of thoughts and emotions," Fairchild says she’s learned to embrace the story of her daughter’s birth, even though it didn’t go as she planned. Now, she’s finding ways to bring this newfound energy and gratitude with her as she returns to performances.
On Tuesday, Fairchild took the stage at the David H. Koch Theater for New York City Ballet’s spring season for the first time in 10 months. Refinery29 spoke to Fairchild on the day of her return, about motherhood, the joy of cross-training, and her hopes for baby Tullie.
Interview has been edited for length and clarity.
How did having a baby change your relationship to your body?
"I always used to feel like I didn’t love my body, I like my body. Now, life is happening so much, and I’m so focused on the health of my body instead of the appearance. I actually end up liking my body even better. Somehow there might be an appreciation for what you can go through. I feel really proud of how far I’ve come back from what I did, and from what my body is able to do. In general, I would say I have a much more positive relationship with my body."
Photo: Erin Baiano for New York City Ballet.
What has it been like returning to class and getting your body into shape?
"You’ve come from so low and such a far place, so there’s this journey. Because you’ve had such a transformation, you kind of maybe overshoot, because you’re having to rebuild from scratch. It’s not like an injury, and you just rehab that muscle and foot again, and everything is working — your whole body went through the wringer and back.
"But I didn’t find that part that difficult, because that’s what I like about my job. I love going to the gym, going to Pilates, going to gyro, I love all of the things that I have done to cross-train. I have to do a lot of work behind-the-scenes on my own; it’s not the season that puts me in shape. I really have to manufacture it myself, so that felt normal. It was like, Oh this is the drill. I’m down. "
Photo: Erin Baiano for New York City Ballet.
Does it feel good mentally to be back?
"I’m like ten times happier to be at my job, because I feel fulfilled in life, and not just so stupidly overwhelmed. I’m taking things in stride a little better, and not being so stressed, or panicked, or overly intense and taking myself too seriously. I really feel that I’m coming to it with such grateful fresh eyes.
"I love my job, that’s why I’m so happy. There’s been a couple company classes, where I come on a Tuesday, and everybody’s tired, and I’m thinking, Are you guys as excited as I am for this? I am so excited. This is something I asked my Ob/Gyn, because I found out she had three kids. I’m like, How do you do all of this? She was like, I love my kids and I love my job, and that’s how I feel. I love my daughter, and I love my job, and all of those things make up my happiness."
Photo: Erin Baiano for New York City Ballet.
Did it help having other mothers in the company to look up to?
"I actually deferred to Ashley [Bouder] a lot, because we had almost the exact same story, and the same surgeon. I felt kind of safe, because I could be like, How do you deal with it? I borrowed some of her confidence. I was able to go through all of that [with her], instead of being jealous and feeling like a less-than person because you can’t make it happen the other way.
"There’s just so much pressure to [have a vaginal birth], and that’s a nice thought, but you’re not in the driver’s seat. I’m not going to do anything to risk my baby’s health, so it is what it is. I’m really embracing it as part of my story, but it took so long it was really hard for me. I couldn’t hear about friends having baby in a vaginal way, I couldn’t hear about family members, I was in such a bad place with it. I struggled with it and I know it’s an issue for a lot of people."
Photo: Erin Baiano for New York City Ballet.
Do you have aspirations for your daughter to dance?
"I’ve never envisioned that. I think it’d be cute — but I think it’d be cute whatever she does. My brother and I both know that we are not successful and happy in what we do because it was our mom’s idea. My mom saw me dance around the house, and always loved tap, so that’s why she brought me to a tap class, but we were never pushed.
"Even when I moved out to [School of American Ballet], my mom told me, If you ever decide this is not for you, you can come home at any time. I never didn’t want to go to ballet, it was always my own decision, so that’s a really important thing for me.
"[Tullie is] probably going to follow me around and do what I do, so I won’t be surprised. I come from the school of: Do what you love, not what your mom wants to vicariously live through you. It has to be a choice everyday, it’s just too hard."
Photo: Erin Baiano for New York City Ballet.
What advice do you have for women in any profession who feel conflicted about having a kid because of their career?
"It takes you out of what you do, so it’s like a real sacrifice. I feel lucky that I’ve been doing what I do for so long. I had this uncomfortable rise to the top, so it’s easier to make that choice. It was rough, but it’s enabled me to feel like I can take a moment. I want to have a family, and I’ve always wanted to be well-rounded. It was almost like it would be too much of a sacrifice not to.
"I think it’s important to invest time and thought into what you want your life to look like when the curtain goes down for the last time — because it’s very quick. You have this whole career where all the attention is on you, and then the next day, it’s like nobody really cares or is calling. If you don’t have the support of this beautiful family to kind of cushion that, I know that it’s really hard.
"As soon as you have a kid, you’re like, it’s not really about me anymore. It’s refreshing, and it’s nice to not have all of that focus. It feels nice to exercise a little more of a well-balanced focus, and it feels healthy. I’ve just always looked to the future so much, maybe to a fault, but that’s just how my brain works. I know that when the day comes that this is all over, it’s gonna be okay."
Photo: Erin Baiano for New York City Ballet.
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