Being single when you’ve never been before, is absolutely marvelous.
Being single at my age – it’s a real gift.
It’s not always easy, of course. There are new habits to learn, especially when you’ve never done this before. Not throwing yourself into going out all the time to convince yourself you’re not alone. Cooking just for yourself. Learning you can say no even when you have nothing else special to do.
Make friends with yourself, at last.
I have so much to learn.
Of course, my friends are starting to encourage me to go on dating apps. And obviously, sometimes I kind of want to. But I’m also meeting lots of people in everyday life.
Men? Yes of course.
And I really love my life right now.
I’ve never been so calm, poised. I had never lived without being attached to the emotions of someone other than myself before. I was always connected to something outside myself, and now it’s just me. If I’m good, I’m good.
In this state, I’m finally discovering my own thoughts and feelings. The work I’m doing with my therapist is no longer being constantly short-circuited by issues I’ve taken on from others.
I’m finally figuring out who I am.
I’ve always been empathetic. Too empathetic. Because of my upbringing, being the first born, first of my class – I was encouraged to behave like the ideal child. What I wanted counted less than what others wanted of me. That’s how it always was with me, in me. I wanted everyone else to be happy. And I thought I had the power to make everyone happy.
So, I became disconnected from my emotions. I learned to smile even when I was hurting.
Then I grew up and transferred those habits into my love life. I was this mix of incredible strength and devastating fragility. I knew how to make others love me, but I wasn’t being the real me. I didn’t know how to love. So often, I’d leave.
I never had a linear view of love. Maybe I’ve read too many novels, but I never dreamed of finding “the love of my life.” “The loves of my life” plural sounded more accurate. Maybe I love men too much to be satisfied with only loving one. Maybe I’m constantly evolving, and I change too much. Maybe I’ve never met the right one.
Or maybe, quite simply, I’d never really met myself.
Dating in the USA is SHIT.
No, seriously – I don’t know how it is in France at the moment, but here, it’s a total catastrophe.
First of all, here, ABSOLUTELY ALL WOMEN are categorized into pathetic clichés.
If you’re 20: Pfff, you’re not serious.
If you’re 25 to 35 and single: You’re definitely looking to snag a man. You’re desperate. You’re radioactive. Help!
If you’re over 40 and single: You are TOTALLY desperate and willing to do anything.
Young divorcée with kids: You screwed up your life.
Older divorcée with kids: It’s over – all that’s left for you is to focus on your kids until they leave home, and then you might as well jump off a bridge.
Over 40 without kids: Go straight to the jumping off a bridge part.
I’m barely exaggerating. We’re all over here shouting COME ON, ENOUGH! We’re fine!!! We’re not a cliché! We don’t all fit into those boxes!!! Please?
But at the same time, we let ourselves get trapped.
When you meet someone, it would be so much easier to talk about “what are your expectations in life?” and answer honestly. Aaaaahhh, honesty. What a joy. So simple.
Sooooooooo refreshing. So why is it easier to hide behind masks? To pretend to be detached? Wouldn’t we be better off, more relaxed, just being ourselves?
Well, yeah. But that would mean ignoring the other big cliché that’s come up between men and women these days (P.S. if you’re gay, please share your version of this, I’m sure the clichés are alive and well for you too).
The “cool girl”.
Ooooh, I know her well, the “cool girl”. I know plenty of them. I also call her the “fun loving girl.” There are tons of these girls on Instagram, you know what I’m talking about?
Super hot, but eating burgers and drinking beer with the dudes. The girl who never gets mad, is always having fun, is easy, and not too intimidating (because another cliché is that men can’t stand powerful women). The girl who will send us photos of her boobs, no problem, because she loves walking around in a white thong and socks on Sunday morning right after giving us a blow job (I’m talking from the guy’s perspective here) oh, yeah, because the “cool girl” is a mix of girl-next-door, model and porn star. And best friend. And she cooks, too.
LOL hahahhaa :)))
Women like that do not exist!!! Loooool!
But anyway. In short, the takeaway point is that all women are desperate, EXCEPT the cool girl.
Personally, I’d prefer to be considered desperate than try to pass for the cool girl.
Because deep down, the cool girl is the most desperate of all, ready to lie on every level to fit into that cliché. And she suffers for it, of course! Can you imagine spending your life trying to play that role?
SO, you see, when my friends tell me to go on dating apps like Raya or Hinge, I HAVE MY DOUBTS.
We are clichified enough as it is for me to go throwing myself into browsing the modern human supermarket. I have self-esteem, for goodness’ sake! I don’t fit into these categories. Maybe I’m too proud. I don’t want to be getting dick pics from random dudes! I have a sensitive stomach, you know? And besides, how are you supposed to pick a guy based on a photo? But maybe I’ll end up giving it a try. Ah! Who knows?
What I think is that we are going through a transitional moment right now.
Women don’t need a man to define themselves anymore. That doesn’t mean they don’t need a man to love. I like love. I believe in love. I like cherishing others. I like being cherished on. And most of all, I believe in family, in whatever form it takes. But…
Women are taking power, and nothing will ever be the same again.
Women are aging better than ever. Better than men, a lot of the time. Yes. Because after years of being jealous of men who “age so well” we realized that 1/ women can also age really well (and if a drop of Botox can help, honestly I say go for it!) and 2/ Women can make love to the end of their lives, while in a lot of cases, around 50, male sexuality starts to decline and that little morning blow job can become slightly frustrating, if you know what I mean.
Yep, and no one ever talks about that, you know?
Why do you think Viagra is so popular? (and if one Viagra pill can help them, honestly I say go for it!)
Sooo yeah. Makes you look at George Clooney a little differently now, right?
I know, me too – TOTALLY.
Women today can have children whenever they want. There, I said it. And they can choose not to have them too, because honestly, enough with all the bullshit. We are free. Take me, for example, I’m 43 and totally free to ask myself that question. I still don’t know if I want a child or not. Yep. Being undecided is the ultimate luxury. Haha.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen. Women today are, let me tell you, but really now, FAR FROM BEING DESPERATE.
That’s why they’re made to suffer so much. It’s the swan song of feminine suffering, all the bullshit right now. That’s why we Victoria Secretize women. Why we Kardashianize them. Why we stuff them into clichés even though women have been so over all that ridiculousness for a long time now.
And the modern woman believes in the modern man.
The man who is also over the clichés.
Who knows a woman of substance is probably powerful in one way or another, and he’ll congratulate her for it.
Who knows the cool girl only exists in films and on Instagram.
Who knows a woman is not a trophy or a means of confirming his virility, but an equal partner.
The man who knows how to accept a woman’s fragility and vulnerability, just as much as her strength.
And who knows how to recognize those same traits in himself.
And who has values, whether it’s in real life or in an app. The man who doesn’t ghost, doesn’t send dick pics, doesn’t breadcrumb. Who is clear with his intentions. And takes responsibility for them.
The man who understands that respecting others, not seeing them as a cliché, means respecting himself.
I know men like that. And new generations are on their way, brought up by modern parents – so don’t be surprised when you see women with younger men. It’s not just because of the soft penis problem (lol).
(Im kidding guys I’M KIDDING!!!), it’s also a matter of generational synchronization.
Women are ahead. What are we supposed to do about it?
Stop moping around, and live our lives exactly as we like.
Source: Atelier Doré – Garance Doré